


Two Vampires and a Baby

by CoffeeShopStoryteller (Samunderthelights)



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Don't copy to another site, Family Fluff, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Vampires, do not take this too seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27261274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/CoffeeShopStoryteller
Summary: Armie and Timothée were not born as vampires. In fact, they were not even aware that it was possible for vampires to be born as such. Yet here they are, with a baby who is most definitely... a little different.
Relationships: Charmie - Relationship, Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 29
Kudos: 52





	Two Vampires and a Baby

**Author's Note:**

> **Update January 2021 : I originally posted this story under my Samunderthelights username. In January it was moved to my CoffeeShopStoryteller pseud, together with the rest of my CMBYN RPF stories.**
> 
> Hi!  
> What do you do when you’re working on three different stories, but you seem to have gotten stuck on all of them? You start a new one, obviously.  
> For this one I decided to take a dozen things I can’t stand myself, and write something so different from all my other stories, that I don’t even know what the fuck I would end up with. It is probably breaking every vampire rule, every biology rule, every writing rule. All my own rules! But I had so much fun writing it, just because it was so stupid and ridiculous, and after writing it I was finally able to get back into my other stories again.  
> So it’s not meant to be taken too seriously, and if at the end of it you think I am crazy, you’re probably right. If you think I should never write another vampire story again, you’re probably right about that too. But it was fun to write it, and if some of you leave this one with a smile on your face like I did, happy days!  
> Happy Halloween and enjoy!
> 
> Xx

Armie and Timothée were not born as vampires. In fact, they were not even aware that it was possible for vampires to be born as such.

The two of them had met in high school, and they had not left each other’s side since, their relationship growing more serious all throughout college. There had even been talk of marriage by the time they had bought their own apartment in the city. The plan was to take a year to focus on their careers, and then have that very serious talk about marriage, kids, future plans…

That had been the plan.

However, just a few weeks after they had moved into their own apartment, they had gotten attacked after coming home from visiting friends. At first it had seemed like a random mugging, or maybe they were getting beaten up for holding hands? But when they had been bitten, things had soon started to make sense. Their worlds had been turned upside down, and although they had not been stabbed or beaten to death, they had in fact been killed that night.

It's not like there was a funeral, or sadness for the loss of their lives or anything. Because after the attack, they had simply gotten up and gotten on with their lives. They were just going to ignore the whole thing and pretend it hadn’t happened.

That was easier said than done though, what with the whole craving for blood, having heightened senses of smell, hearing, sight… oh yeah, and technically being dead.

It had taken them a few years to get their lives back on track, and after a difficult coming out – there were a lot of tears – their families and friends had all accepted their new identities – not the gay thing, they had both come out when they were teenagers – but, you know, the being dead and craving for blood thing.

Yes, their lives were just starting to get back to normal when Timothée had come out of the bathroom one morning, face as white as a… pale as a… looking like a… well, he looked like the vampire he was, but worse. He looked sick, panicky.

Armie had assumed the worst, and he was already reaching for their emergency supply of blood, some vitamin pills – vampires don’t need them, but hey, it can’t do any harm to take them, can it? – and he had been ready to force feed his partner until he looked like himself again.

“I think I’m expecting a…”

“Letter? Company? We’re expecting company?” Armie had guessed, his partner not able to get the words out.

“A…”

“Do you need a doctor?” Armie had asked, not quite sure how a doctor was going to help. They usually stopped people from dying. What were they going to do for Timothée? He was already dead.

“Baby.”

“I love you, too, but…”

“Baby!” Timothée had cried out, looking like he was about to cry. But his tears had stopped the minute he was killed, so his crying had just looked odd, and Armie couldn’t put crying, him calling him baby, and… that’s when it hit him. Timothée wasn’t calling him baby. Timothée was in fact… losing the fucking plot. He thought he was having a fucking baby? What, now was he not only dead, but he thought he was pregnant? Did the guys who attacked them also take his brain, or what?

Armie was about to pick him up and take him to see a doctor, not the cutting-stitching type, but the talking-type, but Timothée lifted up his oversized sweater, his usually flat stomach now bulging out.

Armie had once seen a documentary about this. A woman had eaten her own hair, and it had grown into some kind of monster inside of her stomach. That’s what it must be. Maybe Timothée was growing a hair monster. Maybe he was allergic to blood? Maybe they had to switch to vegan blood? But he sure as hell was not growing a fucking baby in there!

“It’s a baby,” Timothée had tried, not aware that his partner was about the have the panic attack of a lifetime, but not before he had felt the bulge. Like it was going to talk back and say ‘hey, no worries man, it’s just a bit of hair’ or ‘look dude, all this meaty blood is clotting in here, if you’ll just get me the top of the range organic vegan blood, that would be great’.

Armie was still riding out the panic attack of a lifetime when, just two days later, Timothée gave birth. Not to a hair monster, not to a blood clot, not even to a baby. No, he gave birth to an egg.

Google was no help, the library was no help, the university was no help – Armie was dragged out by security when he refused to leave without an explanation as to what the fuck had just happened – and because the guys had been so focused on getting their old lives back on track, they hadn’t bothered getting to know any other vampires. So they were left to figure things out for their own.

Timothée had taken time off work to stay with the… well, egg, while Armie had gone into work as though nothing had happened at all. And when almost a month later the egg was still just an egg, it almost felt like nothing _had_ happened. Were vampires just supposed to lay a random egg sometimes? What were they supposed to do with it? Put it up on a shelf and show it off to people?

_Oh look what I pooped out last month!_

Armie could tell that Timothée was disappointed, because even though they hadn’t been expecting a baby, now that the egg was there, they were, you know, expecting a baby. A dead vampire baby, but a baby nonetheless!

So when one night last month the egg had started cracking open, they had both gotten up to go see what was happening. They were still half-expecting some kind of monster to come out. Hey, with vampires you never know what to expect. Maybe a bat? But instead, the egg cracked open, and inside was a beautiful, perfect little – technically dead – baby boy.

The baby had started crying, hands grabbing for his dads, and although Timothée had taken to being a dad like a duck to water, Armie hadn’t been quite able to wrap his head around it.

It hadn’t helped that the baby seemed to grow older by the hour. Not just growing older as you would expect from a human baby, but the boy had aged weeks by the time he was a day old. And now that he is a few weeks old, he looks like he could be six months, at least.

Although the guys are trying their best to learn everything there is to know about raising a – technically dead – child, it is not easy. Far from it.

* * *

“I told you we shouldn’t feed it that.” Armie shrugs, Timothée glaring at him, a mix of pumpkin and corn dripping down his face. “It’s a vampire, it needs blood.”

“Will you stop calling him ‘it’?”

“He came from an egg, Timmy!” Armie exclaims, still standing in the doorway. Still not fully able to wrap his head around the way their life has changed in just a matter of months. Is still changing.

“He’s still our son.”

“A fucking egg!”

“Stop calling him _it_.” Timothée sighs, wiping his face clean, the little boy happily splatting his hands in the plate of blitzed vegetables, but not willing to take another bite, no matter how many times his dad tries.

“Then what do you want me to call him?”

“I don’t know… we should probably start thinking of a name for him. Don’t you think?” Timothée asks, a little hesitant, fully aware of his partner’s incapability of fully comprehending how this little boy is his.

“Like what? Baby Drac?”

“Vlad?” Timothée teases, as his partner comes over to him and joins him on the edge of the table.

“Edward?”

“Seriously?” Timothée laughs, raising an eyebrow, obviously not impressed. “Fine, then what about Bella?”

“You want to name our son after the emo chick from Twilight?” Armie asks. “The kid has two vampire dads, came from a fucking egg, and you want to call him Bella?”

“What? He could grow up to be a Bella.” Timothée shrugs, and Armie can’t help but laugh, shaking his head.

“Seriously? Bella?”

“There’s Bela Lugosi.”

Armie looks down at the little boy, who flashes a smile, tiny fangs only just starting to show.

“I tried my best, kid, but this one is on your dad. Bela it is.”

“Yeah?” Timothée asks, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree. He picks the baby boy up, wrapping him in his arms, looking the happiest Armie has ever seen him.

“Hiya, Bela, I’m your daddy, and this is…,” Timothée coos, but before he can even finish his sentence, Bela throws up more blitzed vegetables all over his dad’s favorite Halloween sweater.

“I told you, he needs blood.”

“I just thought…”

“He’s dead, Timmy,” Armie states, the words leaving the air frosty, but only for a moment, because the little boy gurgles, a big fanged grin on his face. “Look at him. He’s like us.”

“I guess I just wanted him to be… you know…”

“Normal?”

“I know he needs blood,” Timothée sighs. “I know you’ve been feeding him behind my back. I’m not stupid. I just thought he could be different. You know, be both, I guess.”

“He’ll be both,” Armie reassures his partner. “Little… _Bela_ here, is going to go to school when… well, at the rate the kid is growing, he’ll be in school by the end of the year,” he chuckles uncomfortably. “And he is going to grow up with human kids, okay?”

“Do you think he’ll stop aging?” Timothée asks, finally speaking out the thought that had crossed both their minds at least a thousand times since Bela was born. “Or do you think he’ll keep aging faster than humans, and…”

“I don’t know, man. I didn’t even know vampires could lay fucking eggs,” Armie laughs. “But we’ll figure it out, okay? And stop feeding him that shit. It’s not doing him any good, and it’s not going to make him age any slower.”

“What will?”

“I don’t know. Maybe when he’s twenty… thirty… he’ll meet some cute chick… or boy,” Armie quickly adds when he sees the glare on his partner’s face. “And they will bite him to make him human and it will stop him from aging…” He thinks out loud, really just making it up as they go here. “Who knows how all this immortal shit works? Or if it’s even real? How do we even know if we haven’t aged since we were turned?”

“Because you should definitely be grey by now.”

“Fuck you!”

“Language!” Timothée warns him, covering Bela’s ears, pulling him closer against his chest. The little boy is oblivious to it all though, and he just gurgles, drooling all over his dad’s sweater.

“Trust me, this kid is going to be around to hate you for the rest of eternity for naming him after the Twilight chick.”

“You were going to name him Edward!”

“Yeah, but that could mean anything. Edward is…”

“Don’t try to talk your way out of this, Hammer,” Timothée laughs, before setting down the little boy in his crib. “You were going to name our son after some sparkly-ass vampire from…”

“Should we have named him Lestat?” Armie interrupts him, but before Timothée can even answer, a grin starts spreading all over his face.

“What?” Timothée laughs, having seen this look enough this to know what it means.

“Look at him,” Armie says, before wrapping his arms around his partner, and looking down at the little boy in the crib. “That’s our son, Timmy.”

Little Bela looks up at them, his fanged Hammer smile beginning to look more like his dad’s by the minute.


End file.
